


You're the only friend I need, sharing beds like little kids

by Miyukitty



Category: Tokyo Ghoul, Tokyo Ghoul:re
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Character Development, F/F, Family Issues, Ghouls and their Humans, Homoromantic, Interspecies Relationship(s), Purging, Sleepovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-03-05 15:18:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3124988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miyukitty/pseuds/Miyukitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It took a new kind of strength to watch on as ghouls and humans unwittingly interacted under her nose. It only showed her their worlds were never meant to collide. They could brush a little at the edges – have something superficial over hot drinks and pastry crumbs - but never something honest and enduring. Touka was not naïve enough to believe Yoriko would be in her life for long. They would probably part ways after graduation, if the 20th ward's safety net did not crumble and force her to flee sooner.</p>
<p>She steeled herself to harsh reality. Maybe Yoriko could have her country restaurant someday, but Touka had no future other than life as a fugitive and death at the end of a quinque.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're the only friend I need, sharing beds like little kids

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for events of tg/early tg:re manga; took some creative liberties but ughhh ghouls and their humans slay meee ;; these relationships are so possessive and devoted and broken, sobbb let them be happy 
> 
> this fic turned into a touriko study (and kinda queerplatonic??) but there are mentions of nishikimi and kanehide (help this gifset slays meee: http://is.gd/vDotkc )
> 
> (i want to see kimi, yoriko, and hide having a support group in tg:re and just. talking over coffee about all the silly little things their ghoulfriends do. ffff plz be okay bbs)

The first time Kosaka Yoriko offered her a taste from her bento, it was a test.

 

Touka was obligated to accept, even though this innocent classmate had no idea the ordeal they were making her submit to. Before she lost him, her father taught her to pretend to chew, to smile and make the right noises, to swallow now and purge it later before it made her sick. She dutifully went through the motions as she had since childhood, and suppressed the urge to gag on the bitter, slimy scrap of indigestible animal meat. She was tough enough to choke it down and act like she enjoyed it.

 

What surprised her was the genuine warmth in the smile she got in return.

 

It was like her show had been appreciated. Yoriko admitted that it was her own cooking, not her parents' – she wanted to be a chef, someday. It meant a lot to have someone compliment her cooking, even though she was just starting out, and this was the first time she made her own lunch. For the rest of that lunch period, Yoriko shared her dreams with Touka: modest aspirations of working in a restaurant in the country, away from the noisy streets of Tokyo. Touka listened to this ordinary girl and wondered whether dreams were something humans could achieve. She was late to her next class because she spent too long in the bathroom, scrubbing the bitter aftertaste from her tongue.

 

_Do you suddenly forget you are a monster, and become happy when around those humans?_

 

_No_ , she wanted to tell her brother defiantly. _My way is harder than yours. I can't be honest. You can say and do as you please, like a spoiled little kid, and I must suffer and conceal it and run the risk of being executed for a single mistake. I walk the same tightrope our father did, and I could meet the same ending he did. Is that what really upsets you?_

 

She continued to attend middle school after Ayato ran away.

 

* * *

 

 

Yoriko chose to sit with her every day from then on. The girl always had some mundane topic to discuss – the homework they'd been assigned, her new short haircut, the television program she'd watched last night, her mother grounding her for leaving a mess in the kitchen. Several times she commented on how pretty Touka's hair color was, and how she should do more with it.

 

Touka sat stiffly and feigned interest, although she couldn't share her own worries in return (would the Doves kill her brother, was Ayato really doing all those wicked things in the 14th ward, did the manager need her to replenish the stock of human flesh for Anteiku's regulars). Then Yoriko would feed her a taste of her latest concoction - _you need to eat more, you look too pale!_ \- and Touka struggled to smile at the well-intentioned offer she could not refuse.

 

It was a strange routine, but it was becoming a little more natural for her.

 

The first time Yoriko invited her to sleep over, Touka was at a loss what to say. It was not uncommon for girls their age, based on the chatter she would overhear in the locker room or cafeteria, but Touka never had a friend before. She hadn't been taught how to act in this situation. What mask was she supposed to wear?

 

She ended up accepting because she didn't know how to politely decline – _it's not a good idea to invite a ghoul to watch you sleep_ , her mind helpfully supplied. Instead she awkwardly packed a change of clothes into her schoolbag, and followed Yoriko home after classes ended.

 

She was unusually vulnerable under the scrutiny of her friend's parents, as though these adults could see her kakugan and smell her ghoul flesh and know a monster was lurking in their daughter's shadow. She was received by the family with a friendly pat on the back (one that brushed uncomfortably close to her kakuhou), and was given a generous helping of dinner (and she had to eat it all without a single grimace), and let Yoriko brush her hair and put ribbons in it (and she didn't take them out until she was walking back to Anteiku).

 

She closed the door of her bedroom and stared incredulously at the ribbons clutched in her hand as though she couldn't believe that night had actually happened. That was the morning she realized she wasn't acting anymore. Yoriko was actually her friend.

 

The ribbons were tucked into her desk drawer, somewhere safe where they could be looked at but never used again.

 

* * *

 

 

It got easier to attend classes after that, because she looked forward to seeing soft grey eyes and a gentle smile. She stopped purging the contents of her stomach after lunch – had to put up with the crippling stomachaches and cramps as her body struggled to process food it was never meant to digest. Touka had to remain strong, though. What can a weak person protect? She trained her body in the evenings, sparred with Yomo and practiced all on her own. She would not be weak.

 

By the time she entered Kiyomi High School and got her own apartment, the manager finally let her begin waitressing to repay her debt, and it took a new kind of strength to watch on as ghouls and humans unwittingly interacted under her nose. It only showed her their worlds were never meant to collide. They could brush a little at the edges – have something superficial over hot drinks and pastry crumbs - but never something honest and enduring. Touka was not naïve enough to believe Yoriko would be in her life for long. They would probably part ways after graduation, if the 20th ward's safety net did not crumble and force her to flee sooner.

 

She steeled herself to harsh reality. Maybe Yoriko could have her country restaurant someday, but Touka had no future other than life as a fugitive and death at the end of a quinque. She never forgot she was a monster, no matter what pacifism Ayato accused her of.

 

Something changed the night a human said her kagune was _beautiful_.

 

Touka had been taught to leave no traces. Under no circumstances could a human know she was a ghoul. They could not be trusted with her identity (even if they were a kindly neighbor who had always been good to her family). She was ready to execute Kimi for being too close to her secret (and she wanted to kill Nishiki too, because what sex-crazed ghoul was stupid enough to _fuck_ a human after showing her what he really was? If he wanted to die, she would have obliged him). It was Kaneki who stopped her.

 

Of course it was – Kaneki Ken, living proof of two worlds having collided and creating nothing but misery, his hybrid blood bittersweet on her tongue. When he said that Kimi meant to Nishiki the same as Yoriko meant to _her_ , that Hide meant to _him_ , something in her snapped.

 

She sat on the rooftop with her kagune blazing for all to see, kakugan glaring fiercely at the night sky, wondering what could possibly be beautiful about a _murderer_.

 

She let Kimi go free, and she wished Yoriko could see her for what she really was, and still say she was _beautiful._

 

* * *

 

 

Sometimes Yoriko dropped by unannounced because Touka skipped class. Once she had done so and glimpsed Touka with Kaneki, and there was an _assumption_ that Touka had to deny for days afterward, pink blush rising in her cheeks as she awkwardly fended off her friend's teasing. _It's not like that with him, I swear. He reminds me of... someone._

 

That felt like a lifetime ago. Kaneki's hair had been black then. She had offered to dye it for him, but it would never be black again.

 

Touka lay shivering face-down on the bed. She stared blankly at the wall as the door creaked open.

 

She could still feel her little brother's hands on her, grasping, pinning, _tearing_. She had cried when his teeth found her wing, and again when she heard his screams as Kaneki crushed his bones one by one. She was not strong, not now. Not after losing them both. She was useless.

 

Yoriko's scent, familiar, sweet, enticing, reached her nose. She quickly buried her face in the pillow, ashamed to be seen with her pride broken. Why had she given her friend a spare key? Her wounds had mostly healed, but her battered body was _hungry_ , and it was the first time she had ever thought about tasting _Yoriko_ instead of the food she cooked.

 

Touka had never loathed herself more than in that moment of weakness. She didn't deserve a friend like this.

 

"I brought you some stew for when you're feeling up to it," Yoriko said in a hushed tone. "I stopped by the café first to ask, but Yoshimura-san said you probably weren't hungry..."

 

Touka felt a bitter smile twist on her lips. She gripped the pillow with white knuckles and refused to show her face. Her mouth was watering.

 

"Touka-chan… will you tell me what happened? I'm worried about you," her friend finally whispered, and knelt at the foot of the bed.

 

Touka felt fingers weave through her hair, tentative and soft. She thought of the hair ribbons buried in her drawer underneath study guides and flashcards, thought of her own clumsy attempts to do Hinami's hair the way Yoriko had done hers, and her shoulders shook in a dry sob.

 

"…Family dispute," Touka managed to say with a sick laugh. "Do you… Do you think you can feed me some of that stew? It might make me feel better…"

 

And she raised her head in time to see Yoriko's smile light up the room.

 

* * *

 

 

She traded in her Rabbit mask for a Kamii University entrance application.

 

Maybe she could steal a few more years together, and have something constant in her life. The more refined Yoriko's cooking became, the more unpalatable it was to a ghoul's tongue, but Touka still cherished every bite she endured. Everyone left eventually, a simple fact, but if Touka fought for it, maybe she could earn more time before Yoriko left her. She even entertained the dream of the restaurant – she was a waitress, Yoriko a cook, it wasn't _impossible_. A simple life in the country would be a good escape from bad memories. Maybe if she left Tokyo, the Doves wouldn't follow her. She would still have to feed, though.

 

She pored over her books with the intensity she used to apply to fighting, scribbling notes in the margins and forgetting that once upon a time she didn't think she would learn anything from humans, and now she was willing to enter their society. She studied with Yoriko, too, and those late night cram sessions usually ended with her friend snoring in her lap, Touka stroking her cheek and cradling her head and feeling like she didn't have much left to fight for these days, but she would have fought for Yoriko, if she needed to.

 

She finally saw Kaneki again, and all the pain that had built up in her exploded at once. She lashed at him with the bitterness of abandonment, screamed in his face (when she really wanted to break down and beg him not to leave again). His flirty companion, Hide, had told her an intimate secret, and so she finally knew what it meant when his hand brushed his chin and betrayed him. She ordered him never to come back to Anteiku, and he lay passively on the ground underneath her, stunned into silent obedience.

 

It was the last time she saw Kaneki Ken. Everyone left eventually.

 

_Why did you have to change?_

 

"Don't ever change," she whispered to Yoriko that night as she left the unopened books scattered on the table and crawled under the covers to sleep beside her. She couldn't go back to her empty apartment, and Yoriko welcomed her with open arms. 

 

* * *

 

 

Touka was a hypocrite, something that had been sharp and cold and fierce, once. Tsukiyama had been disappointed to see her change. She had been a violent monster, stained with the blood of ghouls, humans, and Doves alike, and now she was soft like her brother always said she was.

 

Soft was not the same as weak, though, she thought as Yoriko pulled her closer and murmured something in her sleep. She nestled her nose in auburn hair and drowned in the sweet scent of the human she clung to like a lifeline. She could find her will to survive buried in these fleeting moments.

 

Yoriko didn't make her feel weak. Yoriko made her feel accepted and normal and _good_.

 

Yoriko's simple dreams and gentle kindness were a bastion against the pain of Ayato's betrayal, of Kaneki's departure, the conflict she felt over wanting to survive despite being born a ghoul. Yoriko had grown from a simple test of her ability to blend in, to her first friend, to her longest-lasting relationship. Touka did not even have a word to describe what Yoriko was to her – only that she felt like something new around the girl, something that no longer needed sharpness to protect herself from everything that broke her down.

 

She was exposed and vulnerable, and she was grateful. Here was someone who could tear down all her walls and show her a side of herself even she didn't know about. It should not have relieved her to find the chink in her armor, but it did. 

 

Touka thought she might finally understand why Nishiki allowed Kimi to keep his secret. A Yoriko who betrayed her would be better than no Yoriko at all.

 

She recalled threatening to kill Hide if Kaneki ever let his identity slip, and felt the strangest tinge of remorse.

 

* * *

 

Everyone left eventually, including Touka. The night Anteiku fell was the worst moment of her life.

 

It was worse than fleeing her childhood neighborhood because her father was dead and she and her brother had been sold out, worse than Aogiri Tree kidnapping Kaneki in front of her, worse than Ayato breaking her wing for everything she stood for. Yomo held her and she felt comfort in the circle of his familiar arms, but it was not enough to keep her heart from breaking as she lost the only real home she'd ever known, and the only chance of a future.

 

Touka had to be strong without the manager, without Kaneki, and without Yoriko. She had to grow armor again.

 

Nishiki left Kimi behind too, and Touka stared at him in hollow commiseration before they parted ways. There was nothing to be said, but they understood each other without words. For a ghoul to love a human was to accept that there was no such thing as a happy ending. Their worlds could never merge, only overlap briefly before spinning violently in different directions. Even Kaneki couldn't keep his balance with one foot in each world (but he couldn't be dead, please don't let him be dead).

 

It could end in blood, or it could end in tears, but there was no third option for them.

 

It was a new kind of test for Touka to smile and act friendly and fake normal emotions every day. This new mask covered everything that had once been delicately exposed by soft touches and warm hugs and whispered promises she had broken. She did not lash out with youthful temper, or resort to violence, because that wasn't the Touka that _she_ had known. She never forgot she was a monster, but it was her choice whether or not to act like one.

 

She and Yomo were strong together. They remained in the city and picked up where Yoshimura left off, opened a new café with a new name. She would always be just a waitress, her college application buried in the rubble of Anteiku. She worked full-time because she did not have friends or classes or late night studying to distract her. She sparred with Yomo to stay fit and ready, even though she served the CCG customers with just as much polite courtesy as the peaceful ghouls. (They had left her homeless, _twice_ , and she still smiled at them and pretended not to know what was in the briefcases.)

 

She spent a little more time on her hair now. If Yomo noticed her newfound femininity, he did not comment. Touka used to rake a brush through it as quickly as possible, and trim it herself whenever it grew too long to be _practical._ She now found a small measure of comfort sitting in the hairdresser's chair and letting soft hands style and color and stroke.

 

She liked the artificially sweet scent they sprayed when they were finished, even though it was never as sweet as _her_ scent lingering on ribbons. Her hair was never as pretty as the morning after a sleepover.

 

Maybe one day their coffee shop would expand, and they would hire a cook for the human customers. Touka would hold onto a simple dream in the meantime.

 


End file.
